Real talk from someone still in the thick of it, with my nephew and my recently-reconnected cousin, plus what the science and experts tell us about this heavy, human experience.

Hey hons,

Come sit with me a minute. Sometimes the missing is so heavy that the kindest thing we can do is just sit together in it, without rushing to make it better right away.

I’m still carrying the weight of missing my mom, Patti. She passed on May 10, 2023, after a hard fight with late-stage metastatic lung cancer, and even three years later some mornings the ache feels brand new. At the same time, I’m walking beside my nephew as he carries the fresh, heavy loss of his mom, my sister, who passed on January 14, 2026. She had been fighting late-stage metastatic colon cancer, but COVID complications took her in the end. We’re leaning on each other the best we know how.

Then there’s my cousin. We hadn’t seen each other since childhood until I stumbled across his GoFundMe one ordinary day and reached out. His mom had recently passed. Now we talk almost every day, two people who were basically strangers suddenly becoming each other’s safe harbor in the storm.

None of us are finished with this. And that’s okay.

This kind of deep missing isn’t a straight line or a checklist you complete. It’s more like the ocean. Some days are calm. Other days, the waves knock the breath right out of you.

What the science shows us is that every single one of us will carry this weight at some point in life. And every single one of us will carry it differently.

That’s not a flaw. That’s human.

What This Experience Actually Is (and Isn’t)

For a long time, we heard about the five stages from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. But those ideas came from people who were dying, not the ones left behind.

Modern psychology and neuroscience now paint a clearer picture: this isn’t a neat path with an end date. It’s the brain and body doing the hard, necessary work of learning that someone we love is no longer here.

Neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor explains it beautifully: our brains have to update their map of the world. The people we love are literally wired into our neural networks, especially in the reward centers.

When they’re gone, the brain keeps looking for them.

That’s why you might reach for your phone to text them or think you hear their voice in a crowd. It’s not crazy. It’s your brain doing its job.

At the same time, the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, can stay heightened. This can bring waves of anxiety, sadness, or that sudden “I can’t breathe” feeling.

The prefrontal cortex may not work quite as efficiently under intense emotional stress, which is one reason so many of us experience “grief brain”: foggy thinking, trouble focusing, or forgetting simple things.

Stress and bonding hormones may play a role too. Cortisol can remain elevated during periods of intense stress, while the systems connected to attachment and bonding can contribute to powerful feelings of yearning and searching.

How It Hurts: In the Body and in the Heart

This experience lives in the body as much as the heart.

In the early months, many people feel chest tightness, a racing heart, exhaustion, headaches, sleep problems, appetite changes, and muscle tension.

Extreme emotional stress can even contribute to broken heart syndrome, also called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, in which the heart muscle temporarily weakens.

Research has also found that the risk of cardiovascular problems can temporarily rise after the death of someone close.

The immune system can be affected too. Severe and prolonged stress can influence inflammation and immune function, which may help explain why some people feel physically depleted or become more vulnerable to illness after a major loss.

Emotionally, things can swing from numbness to anger to sudden laughter at a memory, sometimes all within the same hour.

That roller coaster isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong.

It’s your brain and heart trying to make sense of a world that no longer includes the person you loved.

The Numbers: You’re Not Alone in This

Millions of people in the United States experience the death of someone close each year.

For most people, the intensity changes over time, even though the love and sense of missing that person may remain.

A smaller percentage of bereaved adults experience persistent and severe symptoms that interfere significantly with everyday life. This is now recognized clinically as prolonged grief disorder.

Losses involving serious illness, unexpected complications, traumatic circumstances, or events like the COVID-19 pandemic can add additional layers of distress.

Psychologist George Bonanno’s research has also shown something important: human beings can be remarkably resilient.

Many people remain relatively stable after a loss or gradually begin functioning more comfortably again after an initial period of intense distress. Others experience a much longer or more complicated course.

There is no single “normal” path.

There is only your own.

How We All Handle It Differently

Your personality, attachment style, culture, past experiences, relationships, support system, and even biology can shape how this weight feels.

Some people need to talk every day.

Others need quiet.

Some find comfort in routine.

Others need change.

Some want to look through photographs and tell stories immediately. Others cannot bear to do it for months or years.

All of it can be part of the process.

My nephew and I are leaning on each other in our own ways.

My cousin and I send silly memes at 2 a.m. when the missing gets loud.

None of it looks the same.

And that’s exactly as it should be.

Healthy Ways Forward: What Actually Helps

Science gives us some gentle, practical tools:

• Feel it without forcing it away. Journaling, safe conversations, music, art, prayer, creative work, or movement can give emotions somewhere to go.
• Care for your body. Nourishing food when you can, gentle movement such as walking or stretching, hydration, and protecting your sleep can support your body while it is under stress.
• Stay connected. Social support is one of the strongest protective factors we have. Even one or two people who truly listen can make a meaningful difference.
• Give yourself permission to remember. Photographs, stories, traditions, recipes, music, anniversaries, and little rituals can help keep a continuing connection with the person you loved.
• Look for meaning when you’re ready. Meaning doesn’t have to come quickly, and it should never be forced. Sometimes it grows slowly as we allow the love we experienced to shape what we do next.
• Seek professional help when it feels too heavy. Grief-focused therapies, cognitive behavioral approaches, acceptance-based therapies, and other forms of professional support can make a real difference when the pain becomes overwhelming or begins seriously interfering with daily life.

And if you’re supporting someone else, sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is simply:

“I’m here. You don’t have to carry it alone.”

You’re Not Behind

This weight doesn’t have an expiration date.

Some days feel lighter.

Some days the missing hits hard again.

Both can be true.

My nephew and I check in on each other. My cousin and I remind each other that we’re not strange for still feeling it.

We’re all still learning.

And maybe that’s where some of the healing lives: in the showing up, the remembering, and the quiet choice to keep loving even when it hurts.

If you’re carrying this weight today, I see you.

I’m right here with you.

You’re allowed to feel every bit of it.

And you’re also allowed to let other hands help hold some of it.

We’ve got this… together.

With so much care,
Aunty Christine

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References

Bonanno, G. A., Wortman, C. B., Lehman, D. R., Tweed, R. G., Haring, M., Sonnega, J., Carr, D., & Nesse, R. M. (2002). Resilience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18-months postloss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(5), 1150–1164.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12416919/

O’Connor, M. F., Wellisch, D. K., Stanton, A. L., Eisenberger, N. I., Irwin, M. R., & Lieberman, M. D. (2008). Craving love? Enduring grief activates brain’s reward center. NeuroImage, 42(2), 969–972.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18559294/

Cleveland Clinic. Broken Heart Syndrome (Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy).
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17857-broken-heart-syndrome

American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged Grief Disorder.
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder

The Recovery Village. Grief Statistics.
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/grief-statistics/