Healed People, Heal People: Dating After Doing the Work

There’s a saying floating around these days: “Healed people, heal people.”

And listen—there’s a reason it’s trending. In a world where dating apps feel more like vending machines and red flags are often disguised as “quirky traits,” healing before (or while) dating is a full-blown game changer.

💔 The Old Way: Loving Through the Wounds

When we haven’t healed from our past, we often attract the familiar, not the healthy. That “instant spark” can actually be our nervous system responding to patterns we haven’t unpacked yet—usually the ones tied to childhood wounds or previous toxic relationships.

According to psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, better known online as The Holistic Psychologist, “we are subconsciously drawn to what is familiar, even when it’s painful. Healing is about becoming aware of that and choosing differently.” (source)

And she’s right. I’ve been there—loving from a place of pain, mistaking inconsistency for passion, and wondering why it never felt safe.

🛠 What “Doing the Work” Really Looks Like

Let’s clear this up: “the work” isn’t about turning into a Zen master or reciting daily affirmations until you float.

It’s about being real with yourself and getting uncomfortable on purpose.

Some signs you’re doing the work:

You recognize your triggers and take responsibility for them

You’ve started setting boundaries (and actually sticking to them)

You stop mistaking adrenaline for compatibility

You choose partners who bring peace, not chaos

And if you’re like me, you might’ve done this with the help of therapy, journaling, late-night crying, or just realizing you deserve more than crumbs.

❤️ The Difference When You Date After Healing

Dating after doing the work isn’t just calmer—it’s smarter. You ask better questions. You’re not trying to be chosen—you’re choosing them, too.

You know what a green flag looks like now.

And more importantly—you know what your own red flags used to be, and you’ve faced them head-on.

As psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explains, “Healthy love doesn’t feel like obsession or confusion. It feels safe.” (source)

And safety doesn’t mean boring—it means secure.

🔥 Aunty Christine’s Real Talk

Let’s keep it 100. Healing is not cute and cozy. It’s messy. It’s losing friends. It’s getting real quiet. Sometimes it’s sitting in your feelings so long, you feel like you’re aging in dog years.

But it’s also empowering.

Because when you finally do the work, you stop waiting for someone to complete you. You realize: You were never half to begin with.

When you show up whole—when you know who you are, what you need, and what you’ll never accept again—you change the game. You stop falling for potential and start looking for partnership.

🌱 Final Thought

You don’t need to be perfectly healed to love or be loved.

But the more intentional you are about your healing, the less likely you are to lose yourself in someone else.

You become the kind of partner you always needed—and you attract someone who’s done (or is doing) the work, too.

Because when healed people come together, they don’t just love each other.

They grow, restore, and build something real.