Let’s not sugarcoat it: if your partner doesn’t know about your “friend,” then it’s not just friendship—it’s a secret.
Now don’t get me wrong. Aunty Christine is all about people having rich, full lives with friends outside their romantic relationship. But when someone keeps an opposite-sex friendship hidden, vague, or conveniently out of conversation? That’s not friendship—that’s emotional camouflage.
Let’s get into it.
🤐 If It’s Innocent, Why Hide It?
If you’re texting them in private, deleting messages, or using a nickname so your partner won’t ask questions… you already know it’s shady.
Real talk: when a friendship is truly innocent, there’s no need to omit, edit, or hide it.
According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not “Just Friends”, secrecy is one of the key elements that turns a friendship into an emotional affair. She writes, “When you start hiding things from your partner about a relationship with someone else, you’ve crossed the line.” [Source: Glass, 2003]
🚩 Red Flags in Disguise
Here are a few signs that “just friends” isn’t really so platonic:
You tell your partner you’re “just catching up,” but you leave out who you’re meeting. You never mention this person’s name at home, even though you talk to them regularly. You’d be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed and your partner had the same kind of friendship with someone else.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula warns that emotional secrecy in a relationship can be as harmful as physical cheating, especially when your primary partner feels replaced or left out. [Source: Psychology Today, 2020]
💬 “We Don’t Want to Make It Weird”
Look, I get it. Nobody wants to stir the pot. But relationships aren’t built on convenience—they’re built on trust.
If you have to hide a connection to keep the peace, what you really have is a boundary issue in disguise.
Friendship doesn’t get a free pass just because it doesn’t involve physical cheating. Emotional intimacy matters. And secrets are rarely neutral.
🔄 Flip It Around for a Second
Would you be cool if your partner was doing the same thing?
Having long, late-night chats with someone they never mentioned to you? Telling that person about your relationship problems instead of talking to you? Laughing at inside jokes with them that you’re never part of?
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, states that emotional affairs often start with small acts of secrecy and avoidance—and if you feel the need to hide it, your relationship is already in danger. [Source: The Gottman Institute]
❤️ Christine Gets Personal
Let me be honest here:
As much as I want to keep the peace, I’ve decided one thing I won’t do anymore is tolerate secrets.
I’ve worked too hard on myself to allow hidden connections to grow in the dark corners of my relationship. If something’s innocent, I should know about it. If it’s not, then what are we even doing?
👁 Transparency Is Sexy
You know what’s actually attractive in a relationship? Transparency.
Letting your partner know who’s in your life. Being upfront about connections—especially those with potential to get complicated. Having friendships that are strong enough to withstand being seen in the light of day.
No sneaking. No secrets. Just grown-up honesty.
💔 Emotional Affairs Are Real
It’s not always about sex. Sometimes, the biggest betrayal is emotional. Confiding in someone else. Sharing your best stories, your hardest days, your deepest thoughts—and leaving your partner out of the loop.
These things erode intimacy, slowly and quietly. They turn “friendship” into an escape hatch instead of a healthy connection.
🧭 Aunty Christine’s Bottom Line:
If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, you probably shouldn’t be doing it behind their back.
Men and women can be friends. But if that friendship lives in the shadows of your relationship, it’s not just about “platonic connection”—it’s about prioritization, honesty, and emotional fidelity.
If your partner’s uncomfortable with a friendship, listen. Don’t dismiss. You’re building a life with them, not with your secret pen pal or flirty coworker.
And as for me? I’m choosing openness. No games, no weird vibes, no private connections that come with “don’t tell.” I’ve been through too much to accept less than full honesty.
xo,
Aunty Christine
References:
Glass, Shirley P. Not “Just Friends”. Free Press, 2003. Durvasula, Ramani. “Emotional Cheating Is Still Cheating.” Psychology Today, 2020. Gottman, John. “How Emotional Affairs Destroy Trust.” The Gottman Institute, http://www.gottman.com
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