The Unwritten Rules of Grocery Shopping Chaos

Hons, let’s talk about an everyday battlefield: the grocery store.

I don’t know what happens when people step inside, but it’s like they forget how to function as normal human beings. Suddenly, shopping carts become demolition vehicles, produce sections turn into gladiator arenas, and self-checkout machines develop an attitude problem.

So, to help us all survive this weekly chaos, I present to you The Unwritten Rules of Grocery Shopping.

1. Thou Shalt Not Block the Aisle Like It’s Your Living Room

Why, WHY, do people park their carts in the middle of the aisle like they’re settling in for a long winter’s nap? Move, Brenda. I just need to grab some spaghetti sauce, not weave through an obstacle course of indecisiveness.

2. The 10-Items-or-Less Line Is Not a Suggestion

If you roll up to the express lane with a full cart, I am silently judging you. I see you with your 27 items, pretending your bananas don’t count because they’re “all one bunch.” Nice try.

3. Self-Checkout is a Privilege, Not a Right

If scanning barcodes is harder for you than cracking the Da Vinci Code, maybe self-checkout isn’t for you, bestie. Also, please, I beg of you, put the item in the bagging area before the machine has a full existential crisis.

4. The Art of Cart Dodgeball

This is for my fellow high-speed grocery ninjas. We all know the dance—the quick cart swerve, the strategic pause, the awkward nod of acknowledgment when two carts almost crash. It’s a sport.

5. The Sample Snatcher Dilemma

Listen, I get it. Free samples are the highlight of the shopping experience. But if you circle back to the cheese station five times, we all know what you’re doing. Respect the sample queue.

6. The Unspoken Cart Etiquette at Checkout

Why is it that some people practically breathe down your neck while you’re paying? Back up, Carol. This isn’t the Indy 500. I promise you’ll get your turn to argue about expired coupons.

7. The Cold Stuff Goes in First, You Animal

Who are these people putting frozen peas on top of the bread? Absolute chaos. I can’t be friends with you if you smash my chips under a jug of milk.

8. If You See Someone Debating the Ice Cream Section, Give Them Space

We are making life-altering decisions here. Do not rush me while I contemplate my emotional support flavor for the week.

Final Thoughts

Grocery shopping should be a simple task, but thanks to humanity, it’s a full-contact sport. Follow these rules, and together, we can make the grocery store a slightly less chaotic place.

Or, you know, just do what I do—order delivery and avoid the madness altogether. I DoorDash practically everything.

What’s your biggest grocery store pet peeve? Drop it in the comments!